"I'm Kicking David Letterman's Balls Into His Brain!"
So says the one-time vice-presidential candidate during a news conference challenging Late Night television host, David Letterman to an IFC cage-fight "to the death".
"I'm going to fuck him up," snarled the Alaskan Governor as she assumed a kung-fu style stance, "If he thought that stalker bitch he dealt with years ago was a pain, wait until I convert his testicles into a set of Ben-wah balls".
As she clenched her left fist and pointed her thumb towards herself, Palin said in a tone mimicking Jesse Jackson Sr.: "I don't talk. I don't stalk". As Palin clenched her right fist in the air and made an emphatic downward jerking motion, she said in a menacing tone, "I act."
Then she winked.
When asked by reporters what she would do with the Ben-wah balls, Governor Palin replied, "As governor, I'm way to busy to do kegel exercises."
"Besides, my husband Todd likes me the way I am", winked Palin.
"The balls are going on E-bay."
The Palin vs. Letterman controversy first ignited on the "Late Night with David Letterman Show" when Letterman made an offensive and sexist remark about Palin's youngest daughter. It ired Palin, but didn't inflame feminist organizations.
"It's a bunch of crap." said Palin in a rising voice, "Nothing happens if the offending person is a liberal with socialist values. Take a look at the National Organization of Women. Bill Clinton was in the Oval Office for eight years getting his johnson sucked and blowing loads of go-go juice all over the walls and ceiling. He commits perjury. He cheats on his wife. What happens after all this shit happens? Nothing. Not one thing. NOW and all of the other liberal feminist organizations turned into a bunch of deaf mutes. On top of that, there's cum stains all over the walls of the Oval Office. Bush had the walls repainted millions of times during his presidency, but it didn't help. Laura Bush refused to set foot in the Oval Office during her husband's presidency. It creeped her out. The stains were so bad, you would have thought that the Roman Emperor,
Caligula, held the office for eight years."
Palin continued, "If you think I'm lying about all of this, how come there isn't one picture of Laura Bush in the Oval Office? Not a one, and if you did find one, it was a Photoshop."
"And one other thing", said the governor as she waved her finger left and right, "Mrs Bush absolutely forbade her daughters from entering the Oval Office."
Said an exasperated Palin, "Even that Evil Bitch, better known as "Mrs. Clinton," as she made animated quotation marks in the air , "didn't do anything. Hell, she even pulled that Tammy Wynette act on national television defending that piece of crap."
"Our family on the other hand," said Palin as she grinned, "knows shit from shinola."
"We even gave Bill Clinton a nick-name.", she winked. "The Asshole".
When asked by reporters what she would do with the proceeds of the Ben-wah balls, Governor Palin replied, "I'm going to buy cans of Spam. Shit's going to hit the fan shortly, and by shortly, I don't mean a couple years, I'm talking months and I want to have plenty of food on hand. You can't buy K-rations at the military surplus stores anymore. They're all sold out. Everybody knows something big and bad is going to happen, and happen soon."
"Food and water is like ammo and guns," smiled Palin, "It's much better to have too much, than too little."