PHIL SCHITZ BLOG SITE IS SHUTTING DOWN.

EN ESPANOL: "!NO MAS PHIL!"

Phil is moving on to the positive things in life.

Phil left his favorite posts out. Enjoy them.

If you want more of Phil, watch for his comments on Shaved's and SCC's blog.

Dad and Mom Tell Daughter:

"We'll buy you a pony
for your birthday next year."

Last year, as their daughter Belinda's seventh birthday party neared, Greg Cole and his wife were approached by their daughter. According to witnesses, Belinda asked her mom and dad for a "pony" for her seventh birthday. Her parents dismissed her request and were overheard replying, "We'll buy you a pony for your birthday next year."

This year is Belinda's eighth birthday. The Cole's disregarded their daughter's request and said, "She's so young. She won't remember she asked us to get her a pony last year. You know how kids are. Instead, we're going to send her to camp for her birthday. She'll really get a chance to meet other girls her age. It'll be nice for her. For some reason, the girls in this neighborhood seem frightened of her."

The day after Belinda's eighth birthday party, Greg and his wife were in the backyard gardening when they smelled smoke. They looked around wondering where the fire was at. That's when they noticed it was their home that was on fire. They frantically searched for their daughter and were relieved to find her standing in front of their home. As the fire trucks arrived and began to extinguish the five alarm blaze, Belinda's parents wondered aloud, "How'd that fire start?" At which point their eight year old daughter turned to them and said, "A pony. Next time you'll buy me one."

SARAH PALIN PROMISES FEMALE VOTERS:

"I'm Kicking David Letterman's Balls Into His Brain!"

So says the one-time vice-presidential candidate during a news conference challenging Late Night television host, David Letterman to an IFC cage-fight "to the death".

"I'm going to fuck him up," snarled the Alaskan Governor as she assumed a kung-fu style stance, "If he thought that stalker bitch he dealt with years ago was a pain, wait until I convert his testicles into a set of Ben-wah balls".

As she clenched her left fist and pointed her thumb towards herself, Palin said in a tone mimicking Jesse Jackson Sr.: "I don't talk. I don't stalk". As Palin clenched her right fist in the air and made an emphatic downward jerking motion, she said in a menacing tone, "I act."

Then she winked.

When asked by reporters what she would do with the Ben-wah balls, Governor Palin replied, "As governor, I'm way to busy to do kegel exercises."

"Besides, my husband Todd likes me the way I am", winked Palin.

"The balls are going on E-bay."

The Palin vs. Letterman controversy first ignited on the "Late Night with David Letterman Show" when Letterman made an offensive and sexist remark about Palin's youngest daughter. It ired Palin, but didn't inflame feminist organizations.

"It's a bunch of crap." said Palin in a rising voice, "Nothing happens if the offending person is a liberal with socialist values. Take a look at the National Organization of Women. Bill Clinton was in the Oval Office for eight years getting his johnson sucked and blowing loads of go-go juice all over the walls and ceiling. He commits perjury. He cheats on his wife. What happens after all this shit happens? Nothing. Not one thing. NOW and all of the other liberal feminist organizations turned into a bunch of deaf mutes. On top of that, there's cum stains all over the walls of the Oval Office. Bush had the walls repainted millions of times during his presidency, but it didn't help. Laura Bush refused to set foot in the Oval Office during her husband's presidency. It creeped her out. The stains were so bad, you would have thought that the Roman Emperor, Caligula, held the office for eight years."

Palin continued, "If you think I'm lying about all of this, how come there isn't one picture of Laura Bush in the Oval Office? Not a one, and if you did find one, it was a Photoshop."

"And one other thing", said the governor as she waved her finger left and right, "Mrs Bush absolutely forbade her daughters from entering the Oval Office."

Said an exasperated Palin, "Even that Evil Bitch, better known as "Mrs. Clinton," as she made animated quotation marks in the air , "didn't do anything. Hell, she even pulled that Tammy Wynette act on national television defending that piece of crap."

"Our family on the other hand," said Palin as she grinned, "knows shit from shinola."

"We even gave Bill Clinton a nick-name.", she winked. "The Asshole".

When asked by reporters what she would do with the proceeds of the Ben-wah balls, Governor Palin replied, "I'm going to buy cans of Spam. Shit's going to hit the fan shortly, and by shortly, I don't mean a couple years, I'm talking months and I want to have plenty of food on hand. You can't buy K-rations at the military surplus stores anymore. They're all sold out. Everybody knows something big and bad is going to happen, and happen soon."

"Food and water is like ammo and guns," smiled Palin, "It's much better to have too much, than too little."

Police Chief Upset with Chubby Officer. "At wits end."

A police chief, who preferred to remain anonymous, informed the local newspaper in his town he was upset with a unnamed particular officer.

When asked by reporters the reason for his being upset, the chief responed, "Because the officer is chubby. All he does is sit in the squad car and eat. All day. The donut shops know him. They like him too because he pays "'full-boat'".

When asked if he tried to consul the officer, the chief replied," I tried that. Hell I pleaded with the guy. All he did was reach into a paper bag and eat another chocolate donut."

"What the heck am I supposed to do?" asked the exasperated chief, "I decided to assign him to traffic enforcement for speeders."

Questioned by reporters if this had a positive effect of getting activity from the pudgy officer , the chief replied, "Hell no. All this guy does after tracking a speeder is pump his fist up and down as the vehicle speeds by. Then he reaches for another donut."

The chief leaned across his desk and placed his hands on his face and said, "I don't know what to do. I'm at wits end."

Just In! Young Police Rookie Wonders About His Field Training Officer

When rookie police officer Jay F. Cozza was young, he always wanted to be a police officer.

"Back then, law enforcement was looked upon by society as a good job. You helped people."

But things didn't go as planned for the young rookie. "I was assigned to a district where I would work with a field training officer. On my first day, I met Captain Cadigan, he's the watch commander. He seemed to have a pretty good sense of humor. While laughing, he told me I was going to work with his best crime fighter. In fact, the watch commander started to laugh harder as he told me he could only give me the officer's secret code-name, but only if I took a secret allegiance to the "League of Justice".

Officer Cozza related he took the secret allegiance.

"That's when Captain Cadigan told me the secret code-name of his best officer was, get this, 'Batman'. For some reason the captain was holding his sides and howling with laughter."

After being ushered out of the watch commanders office, Cozza met his fellow crime fighter.

"I walk out of the office and see this police officer holding one of those kevlar riot shields. I noticed that it was kind of shaped like a bat and he's peeking over the top of it. My sergeant was chuckling and tells me, 'That's who you're working with. Have fun and a great career!'"

"I walk up this guy and introduce myself. He doesn't say anything, he just continues to hold up the riot shield and starts walking towards the exit doors to the parking lot."

Said the bewildered Cozza, "Sometimes I wonder about my field training officer."

Rookie Police Officer overheard saying: "The heck with it".

While Ace Reporter Phil Schitz searched the streets for a story near Chicago's City Hall, he encountered a group of young rookie officers with parking ticket books.
An anonymous rookie officer agreed to talk with this reporter.
"Yesterday, the supervisors were yelling at us to write more metered parking violations." said the young officer, "I don't like getting yelled at and I certainly don't like writing tickets because I came on this job to arrest bad guys. But that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon. Nobody wants to catch bad guys because all you're going to catch is a lawsuit."
"Today, our sergeant came running up to us out of breath and yelled for us not to write anymore parkers because the company responsible for the parking meters screwed up again. It seems like we're always getting screamed at because of somebody else's screw up."
The rookie officer related he asked his sergeant what the problem was.
"My sergeant told me people were putting money in the meter boxes, but they weren't getting a receipt. They were told to go to another box and pay some more."
Added the young officer, "Sarge said they're getting calls of people going nuts and taking aluminum baseball bats to the boxes. Then this 'Car 47' guy came over the city-wide one radio channel and said he was worried about a possible riot and to hide all parking ticket books from public view."
The officer nodded his head towards the three foot by three foot box in his arms that appeared to be heavy and said, "I've been hauling this heavy box filled with ticket books around all morning. My arms hurt and nobody else I'm working with wants to haul the box around either".
The officer added, "I purposely brought out this box of tickets so we could write a lot of tickets and the sergeants would stay off our asses. Now I'm stuck with it. We don't have a squad car here, so I can't stick it in the trunk. The police academy made us take public transportation down to the Loop."
As the officer suddenly turned and walked down a secluded alley he said,"It sounds like the public is really getting upset with the police over all of these tickets the Mayor's been pushing to raise revenue. I hope I'm not starting my career just in time for some crazy riots," as he stopped in front of a dumpster and opened it. He looked left, then right and said, "The heck with it." as he tossed in the box.


For the full story from the Chicago Trubune's Clout Street:

New downtown parking meter pay boxes not working today

Posted by Dan Mihalopoulos, Hal Dardick and Dan P. Blake at 12:09 p.m.; last updated at 1:00 p.m.

In the latest technological snafu to plague Chicago's troubled parking meter system, many of the newly-installed pay-and-display boxes in the downtown area were not working properly today.
The private company that earlier this year assumed operations of the city's 36,000 paid street parking spots recently promised to speed up installation of pay-and-display boxes after suffering widespread problems with coin parking meters. The new boxes, each replacing an average of between 10 and 12 meters, take credit cards in addition to cash, eliminating the need to lug around a bagful of quarters. But many of the new pay boxes---including those near City Hall---were not working today. Some motorists who parked there paid for their spots, but the boxes would not print the receipts that are supposed to be displayed on the dashboards of vehicles. Other boxes displayed an error message instructing parkers to "please pay at another station." Police officers told drivers they had received orders not to issue any parking tickets today due to "issues" with the parking meters.

California Gover-nator Arnold Schwarzenegger says: "Screw it. This state needs to be teminated".

Exasperated that voters in his state refused a tax increase, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared at a Memorial Day news conference and confessed he was exhausted by the state's financial straits. "It's really bugging the heck out me.", related the governor, "The state's going broke, services are going to heck, and only twenty percent of the voters showed up. Pensions for state workers are going to disappear because California has no alternative but to file for bankruptcy. There's going to be massive lay-offs. No more welfare, no more free hospital, no more shit. Period. People on the government dole are going to crap their pants."
"I've been governor of this state for a while now. The only thing Californians are concerned about is buying everything they want, but not paying for it." he said in his heavy Austrian accent. "Oh yeah, one more thing, they'll vote like rabid wolves when it comes to gay marriage, but when it comes to the survival of this state, they don't care. Like I said, I've been governor for a while and I learned some things about this state, but the biggest lesson I learned is that a bunch of stupid assholes live here".
As the governor walked away from the podium, he made one closing remark, "Fuck it. I give up. This state needs to be terminated. California needs a big earthquake to knock the shit out of it and knock some sense into these people. As far as I'm concerned, the whole state could fall into the ocean like Atlantis and I wouldn't bat an eye".

Officer complains: "My squad car has too much shit in it".

In an never-ending quest to spend taxpayers money on useless electronic gadgets, no-nothing supervisors in Officer John "Big Johnny" Shimkus's police department decided to purchase more electronic gadgets for his squad car.

"Look at this crap." moaned Shimkus, "I can barely see out the front windshield", he related to this reporter. He added," The gawd-dang criminal has to pound on my hood for me to see him. How the heck am I supposed to stop crime when I can't see past my DVD player? "Oh great, look at this," he lamented, "I can't even shift gears in my squad car. Oh yeah, you can forget about drinking a cup of coffee in this car. They pulled the coffee cup holders out to put some type of gizmo that's supposed to identify the location of gunshots. Heck, the only thing that thing does is point me in the wrong direction"

This reporter asked Shimkus about a piece of equipment that doesn't appear to get much use.

"Oh yeah, that thing, I forgot about it. They put it in here a few months ago. At first, I thought it was a coffee maker, but when I poured water down what I thought was a spigot, sparks flew all over the interior of the squad car. It scared the crap out of me. I ask one of the other guys what it was, and he said it might be a machine used to identify finger prints or maybe a microwave".

Carp fishing in Des Plaines River-"Best Ever".

CBS 2 reports: Sources say Illinois State Police have recovered more evidence from along the Des Plaines River which may be related to human remains found on Wednesday.

In an unrelated story, Department of Fish and Game relate that the carp in the Des Plaines River are larger than previously recorded. Said an unknown source: "The dang carp are so big, they loook like they ate a human"

China and Brazil tell USA: FUCK YOU!

Brazil and China eye plan to axe dollar

By Jonathan Wheatley in São Paulo
Published: May 18 2009 18:24 Last updated: May 18 2009 23:31

Brazil and China will work towards using their own currencies in trade transactions rather than the US dollar, according to Brazil’s central bank and aides to Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, Brazil’s president.
The move follows recent Chinese challenges to the status of the dollar as the world’s leading international currency.

Things are a lot worse than the mainstream media is allowed to report. Both countries are third-world countries. When a couple of third-world countries says your money isn't worth shit, your in trouble.

Mayor Daley charges to park on OUR lakefront.

Here's an article from the Chicago Tribune:

Mayor Richard Daley defends plan to charge for parking along lakefront
By Lauren R. Harrison Tribune reporter
May 17, 2009
Mayor Richard Daley on Saturday defended his park board's decision to start charging $1 an hour to park at more than 4,400 spots along the lake that are now free.The mayor said the new lakefront parking fees are about "revenue and things like that." Chicago Park District officials told the Tribune on Friday the fees are expected to bring in about $700,000 the first year and perhaps as much as $1.5 million in subsequent years after start-up costs are finished.

Let's take this article one step at a time. "Revenue and things like that" means it's time for Daley to steal some more of your family's cash. Imagine, this greedy prick wants you to pay to take your kids to YOUR lakefront. Time's are tough and many poor families cannot afford to park their cars in the new metered parking. This is exactly what Daley wants: No poor people or riff-raff near HIS lakefront. Poor people and riff-raff breed crime. This tax will reduce the number of them coming to the lakefront. Expect crime statistics to drop along the lakefront but skyrocket in the poorer neighborhoods as the poor remained trapped in their homes during hot muggy Chicago weather. The reverends should be screaming about this tax being discriminatory against minorities as they are less likely to be able to afford to pay for metered parking.

Retailers were excited about the new parking charge because it will prevent drivers from parking by the lakefront long-term, Daley said after appearing at a restaurant trade show at McCormick Place."You turn over cars," he said. "A lot of people park there and they go to work." Show us one retailer who is for this plan. The increased parking fees have Magnificent Mile shop owners wondering if Chicago's going to turn into a ghost town for retailers.

"By early fall, drivers along the lakefront will feed "pay and display" devices with a credit card or cash and get a receipt they can leave on their windshield". This is what Daley really means: "See how convenient I'm making it for you to give me your money. This better than a casino at Navy Pier".

Responding to reporters' questions, Daley also said the nation's "financial crisis is much more severe than people think it is". How true and scary. Forget about the mainstream media's jabber about a recession. We're in a depression and let me tell you something: We're fucked. We have not seen anything near the bottom yet. By the end of 2010, expect the Dow to plunge to about 4400-4800. That means police and fire pensions are ghosts. Going to be tons of civil unrest.

"You cannot ask the taxpayer [to pay] more out of their pocket," Daley said. "People are getting laid off." Unless of course, it's Mayor Daley reaching into your wallet or purse. No boundaries with Daley.

"But when asked about the financial impact of starting to charge families seeking free fun for lakefront parking, Daley did not directly answer. He talked again about the need to more quickly turn over cars at metered spots." This is the mainstream media's fault for not pressing Daley for a direct answer. Once again, Daley is allowed to throw bullshit to the masses. Daley's was lucky Phil Schitz wasn't at the press conference. A bag of fresh horsehit would have hit the mayor's podium.

Mayor Daley and Nancy Pelosi have "Bullshit Contest"

Sources in Washington DC and Chicago confirmed Mayor Daley and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi have a "friendly wager" on who can tell the biggest lie in the month of May. For Mayor Daley, he said his lie was he was going to "lead by example" in fighting government corruption. Nancy Pelosi's lie was she knew nothing about "waterboarding". Mayor Daley is offering a Michigan Avenue Bo-tox treatment whereas the the Speaker of the house is offering a three day stay in a San Francisco bathhouse. Both are experienced politicians so the compettion promises to be good.

The wagers between both parties are simular to the wager Mayor Daley has with the Detroit mayor with the upcoming Blackhawks-Redwings playoff games

Phil Schitz here

I'm ace reporter Phil Schitz and I'm a tough son-of-a-bitch because with a last name like mine, you have to be. By reading my blog, you'll get tough reporting on government. Most articles will be satirical, but you may not be able to tell due tothe current nature of our elected officials. This is bare-bones knuckle crunching reporting here. If you want the sissy-boy, watered down crap news, Chuck Goudie and Pam Zekman are there. They're afraid of losing their jobs in a world of shrinking media outlets. On the other hand, with Phil Schitz, you'll get tough reporting along with a testicle crunching kick to the groin as I make my point. I'm a hard-boiled throwback reporter from the good ol' days. I'm interested in truth and justice, which isn't the current American way of life.

P.S. My only equal is Tribune Columnist John Kass.